We all have questions people frequently ask us. Usually they’re really stupid or corny, like if you’re tall but your parents are short and people ask how tall the milkman is. Ha ha. Who gets milk delivered anymore anyway?

These questions often define us in a way, usually an unpleasant one. We constantly reiterate these stories or answers, and eventually these words lose their meaning. More like spewing noises. These questions become the bane of our existence.

These questions are usually rude and prying. People don’t consider the potentially cruel and upsetting implications they may have, nor are they prepared for the awkward responses.

I have three questions. Three common questions random people get the balls to ask me. Three questions that I hear so often I really wish someone gave me a dime for every time I heard them. Even a goddamn penny would be appreciated.

Do you have an accent?
No, I don’t have an accent and don’t try to argue that with me cause I think I would know. Listing places you think I’m from won’t make me spill the beans either. I don’t talk like a pirate and I don’t care if you think I talk funny.

I have a speech impediment. Yes, I hope you feel bad cause you brought up one of those “ooh-ahh” touchy painful subjects. No, I cannot say Rs, don’t try to teach me how; I can still say screw off.

Do you have an eating disorder?
I would never consider myself to be abnormally thin. I would fall into the average category. However I will admit I do have an especially bone-y body, and were I to gain 20 pounds you could probably still count my vertebrate. But this in no way makes it okay to ask that. I don’t ask about your acne or double chins. If I did have an eating disorder, would I really tell you anyway?

Do you draw on your eyebrows?
Yes. I barely have eyebrows, and they’re blonde to boot. I’m sure it’s obvious I seriously fill my brows in, and you have no idea if I lost them from cancer or in land battle with savage village people. There were fireworks involved. When someone says your eyebrows will never grow back, believe them.

I’m really a poor British orphan (even if that’s politically incorrect), who has no money to buy food so I’m starving, and I lost my eyebrows to malnutrition but they never grew back.