Wednesday
Thoughts of Three Days
June 26th, 2009
I haven’t been feeling myself lately. Although I am still myself as far as I’ve known. I would have noticed a drastic change in selves I’m sure. And for a minute there I lost myself.
July 9th, 2009
But I’m not happy. I’m not happy with anything anymore. And that’s not my fault. But it’s not as sad as it sounds. Too much has changed for me to be alright right now. I’m more than open to change when it is for the better, as I’m sure most are. But I’m not okay with this right now. I’m not open to these changes. I didn’t want them, nor did I ask for them but I can’t return or undo them. I want what I had back and I want what I have to stay.
Usually when I’m unhappy I come home. And I occupy my time with happy things. But right now home isn’t home and the things I occupy my time with are packed into brown boxes of various sizes. I don’t like knowing the few things capable of calming me down can be taped up.
Happy half person, May 2010
I’m a half person. Not a whole person. Not less than a person, but just a half person.
I’m a loner by heart and choice, but I don’t like being a forced loner. I prefer to do basic things alone, such as shopping or errands, and so on. I’m confident in my choices, and I feel like a lot of things I like to do bore people anyways. I like my space.
But I like knowing that if I so choose, someone would do those things with me, whether it’s a boyfriend or a best friend.
When I don’t have that sense of a second person, another half, I feel uncomfortable. Another half who isn’t always there but would always be there if needed.
Maybe it’s insecurity and a false sense of confidence that is shattered by fear of being lonely. Or maybe I just like a fall back.
about